Mark's little corner of the web
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FORMER COLLEAGUES
I have received an email from a former, much loved colleague of ours who has moved to London. I won't embarrass Sarah by revealing her identity, but I need to reiterate publicly that the Breast Cups are only for women who are bigger than a DD. They do NOT do anything to increase the size of your bust. Sorry Sarah.
- 22 August, 2008
A SHORT LESSON IN (BIG) BREASTS
A couple of weeks ago, in conjunction with a project we are involved in, I had the dubious pleasure of trying on my very own set of breasts. They were not huge - maybe a full C cup, they came with their own bra, and they were designed to give me an idea of what it was like to be the proud owner of a pair. In a way, it's really an extension of the pregnancy belly concept that is used to garner sympathy from partners of pregnant women.
After about 3 minutes, my back hurt and I kept bumping in to things. After 10 minutes, my shoulders were killing me, and I had grooves in my collarbone. After 11 minutes, I gave myself a quick, painless and effective breast reduction.
So, what to do with my newfound respect for the women behind the busts? Well, I can tell you we are now dedicated to helping women find more comfortable and more supportive ways of supporting their breasts. Our first project is almost ready - the DD+ Breast Cups - however, we need some help. We need some ladies in Sydney who can help us with the instructions...you see, we have a great product, but we are still having problems making the instructions simple and foolproof.
What we are looking for are a few women who are at least a natural DD cup, who are happy to persevere with the product, and then happy to discuss their experiences. You will receive free product, and the satisfaction of knowing you have helped big busted women everywhere in the quest for comfort!
My contact details are above...and many thanks.
- 18 August, 2008
WHERE'S WALLY?
Today I am somewhere in the wilds of Norfolk. It's very pretty, and the weather is nice, but I can't believe that every single year the entire population of the United Kingdom is caught by surprise when the thermometer inches past 20 degrees (centigrade). 
Every year they're surprised, and yet they don't seem to remember that the same thing happened about this time last year, and the year before that...that's why the call it SUMMER. Even the Scandinavians are prepared for the (faint) possibility of warm weather...they have beaches, they have outdoor cafes, and (subsequently) they have the nastiest sunburn this side of a burns ward.
The English see the sun, and venture, eyes blinking, into the sunshine and wonder if this aberration is the beginning of an apocalypse.
Just in case it really is an apocalypse, they all take most of their clothing off, and sit in parks awaiting...something...to...happen. Then it gets cool again, everyone puts their clothes back on, and goes inside for another 11.5 months.
The fascinating part about this is the undressing. If I was going to venture into a park and takes my clothes off, I'd ensure I was wearing the undies WITH the elastic, and without the fluffy bunny rabbit motif. Not here...if I was being charitable, I'd call most of the underwear "Utilitarian".
I blame Marks and Spencer for this...they sell most of the underwear bought in the UK, and surely they could come out with a range especially for the 3 days a year their underwear is going to see the light of day. It could feature longer legs to avoid grass allergies, it could be made from an anti-burn material, and it would have an in-built timer to advise the wearer to get dressed and avoid looking like a tomato at work the next day.
When the range is launched, remember you heard it here first...
- 27 July, 2008
I'M BACK! NOW, WHO NOTICED i WAS GONE?
One of the most important things to do on a website is to keep it constantly refreshed, to create and maintain a dialogue, and to inform, delight and (occasionally) outrage your audience.
Using that logic, the past 11 months have been a desert...no blog update, no news, no excitement...I'm like one of those friends who you see one day, don't hear from in a very long time, then they drop back into your life expecting the friendship to continue on as if nothing has happened. Well, dear friends, I do not expect you to simply forgive me and come rushing back to listen as I attack and denegrate my colleagues in a public forum. So I've prepared a little gift...
The gift is our new product...the DD+ Breast Cups. Some of you may have seem them in a former guise, but we've been working with the (scary bright) inventors of the product, and come up with packaging and instructions that show how good this product really is.
(As an aside, the old instructions required a PHD in civil engineering, a sense of adventure, and an Allen Key to work properly).
They'll be launched shortly...let us know if you want ot be on the (rapidly increasing) waiting list.
And welcome back.
- 12 July, 2008
A LITTLE COMPETITION FOR A friday MORNING
I can't begin to tell you how many hours of research, time, effort, blood, sweat and tears went into the development of Fashion First Aid. Every detail was hammered out by the smartest marketing branding and sales people on earth, and the fact that the range is already in 10 countries shows that it was all worth it.
Given all that, you'd think we would have picked up some basic typos and grammatical mistakes on the packaging...
We've found four mistakes so far - and no doubt there are more. I'm offering free product to the first three people who can point out at least four mistakes in the new packaging.
Of course, this is not fair to our Australian friends, who won't see the product in store for another couple of weeks. So, for the Australians, a simpler competition...if you are one of the first three people to send me a note telling me how much you like the new range (even though you haven't seen it and don't know what it's like), I'll send you some when it arrives.
- 10 August, 2007
JETLAG AND TELEVISION
I'm currently enduring an advanced case of jet lag. All traditional remedies have failed, and as a result, I have become something of an expert on overnight television.
For those of you with regular sleep patterns, you won't have caught up with the latest acne news - you'll be relived to hear that Mr Sean ("Puffy") Coombs and Ms Jessica Simpson are both thrilled with the results of Product X, and suggest we all buy litres of the stuff to give us perfect skin and achieve worldwide fame.
Meanwhile, the prevalence of advertisements for the "Abtronic" makes it clear that the majority of insomniacs the world over can be easily identified by their washboard stomachs.
Over on commercial TV, Pastor Y is offering toll tokens for the expressway to heaven...just send money and a stamped, self addressed envelope...
The local cable providers seem to think that the overnight crowd are all young men, with offerings including 'Girls of the Playboy Mansion' (which is self explanatory, but goes to some lengths to point out that several of the playmates have Masters degrees), 'Cops' (the show that proves, no matter how miserable you are, someone out there is A LOT worse off), and Geraldo Rivera on Fox (featuring his own brand of objective and open minded news coverage).
The 'Hands Down, Thanks for Coming' clearcut winner, however, in the overnight viewing stakes is "My Bare Lady", possibly the greatest reality show ever screened. It features 4 adult film stars from Los Angeles, who are brought to London, put under the tutelage of various leading lights of the British stage, and expected to perform a Shakespeare production. All in three weeks flat.
Needless to say, the road to theatrical acting fame is rocky. Now I'm no prude, and I've sat through long, turgid nights of 'Big Brother', so what really impresses me about "My Bare Lady" is that it manages to be so mind-blowingly (pun intended) BORING. How do they do it, with such fine raw material to work with?
Fortunately, the eyelids start drooping at around 5:55am, just as daytime television cranks up. I drift into a lovely dreamless sleep, and am not woken until 5:58am by the arrival of the kids, who switch on Cartoon Network, the Nintendo, a DVD and, I'm sure, the blender and a hair dryer.
I'll let you know when things return to 'normal'.
- 06 August, 2007
Farewell to hollywood
I'm a little sad today - our distribution contract for Hollywood Fashion Tape expires today, and we have been advised that it is not going to be renewed.
Hollywood Fashion Tape has saved many hundreds of thousands of potential fashion disasters - it has featured in magazines, newspapers, television, the Logies, Fashion Week and even 'Kath 'n' Kim'! It has, in fact, become the generic name for double sided clothing tape, as reflected in its' inclusion in the Australian Macquarie dictionary.
However, all good things must come to an end, and we are pleased to announce that our Hollywood range has been superseded by our "Fashion First Aid" range. With Fashion First Aid, we have built a basic range of 'under the dress' accessories. We have listened to customers over the last 5 years, and have developed products that are, we believe, the best of their kind, in great, consistent packaging. The range is already selling well in the U.S., the U.K. and Europe, and will be launched in Australia in August.
We are very proud of Fashion First Aid, and hope you like it.
- 01 August, 2007
TV STARS
I was talking to a colleague while at a Trade Show earlier in the year, and she commented that, in her opinion, men who are involved in the lingerie business are, basically, perverts and weirdos. She hastened to add "present company excepted...", but, just between you and me, it was said in a very insincere tone of voice.
Anyway, I was thinking about her comments last night, while I was watching a segment on Today Tonight (an Australian Current Affairs Show), in which I was interviewed talking about fixits for "under your dress, and in your handbag". Another proud moment for my parents...
A quick fact, via my mate Lewis, for all the geeks and geekettes out there - did you know that the sum of the numbers of the answer to any of the 9x table always adds to 9? For example, 9x4 is 36, and 3+6=9. Further, 14x9=126, and 1+2+6=9. If you nodded your head, and said "hmm", welcome to Club Geek.
- 01 June, 2007
HELLO AGAIN
It's now been 6 months since I updated this page - and I'd like to thank both my loyal readers for pointing it out to me.
A quick update - since we last spoke, I have been busy at home...but not as busy as the tooth fairy, who has been to visit 6 or 7 times as my sons experience the joys of growing up. We've also had visits from the Grim Reaper, who's collected 1 hermit crab, a couple of fish, and is hovering over our Venus Fly Trap as I write.
At work, we've been preparing for the launch of our new "Fashion First Aid" range...it'll be in store in a couple of weeks, More on that as it happens...
All of our cast of characters are still with us, although Sarah is going overseas in a couple of months to wreak havoc across the UK and Europe. No doubt you'll read about her in a newspaper, as she is photographed on top of Nelson's Column, or outed as the woman that came between Kate and Prince William.
I'd like to give you lots of other news, but I'd be making it up. And you know that a fearless dedication the truth is the defining feature of this page...
- 29 May, 2007
CHRISTMAS PARTY PREVIEW
Our publicity people are holding their annual (and inaugural) Christmas party this evening, and we're very excited. Not sure, however, about the correct banter at one of these things, so if anyone can send me a list of conversation topics/starters for conversations with celebrities, supermodels and A-listers, please let me know.
- 24 November, 2006
DENTIST VISIT
I had something of a Personal Development day yesterday - Dentist, Physio, and a visit to see my sister, who has a brand new baby.
This was my first visit to a new dentist, and she was lovely, thorough, and had good tasting fluoride (that is NOT a Euphemism). I don't want to mention her name, as any endorsement from me may result in Oprah-style deluges of calls to the Dental Surgery, but if anyone needs a referral to a nice dentist on the Upper North Shore of Sydney, let me know.
I should stress, for all you Sydneysiders, that I do not live on the Upper North Shore, but did the 2 train trek from Petersham to go to this dentist - that's how good the recommendation was. When I arrived Dr P was just finishing with the previous patient, who turned out to be my mother. Because I'm not one to complain, I'm not going to mention the fact that MY OWN MOTHER didn't wait for the 45 minutes of my appointment to save me the 2 train trek back to Petersham. Apparently, she's up to date with celebrity gossip, and didn't fancy a quiet read in the waiting room listening to the dulcet tones of me having my fangs inspected.
In spite of the lolly jar story from a few days ago, you'll all be relived to know that I have excellent teeth (for a man with my social habits), and so to compensate for the disappointment of not being able to drill my teeth, I asked all the nice people at the Dental Practice to come up with teeth/mouth related Useful Chick Stuff Products. As usual, I'm opening up the conversation to all of you, so if anyone has any ideas, please drop me a line.
If the previous response to requests for new products (or indeed any communication at all) is anything to go by, it's going to be a lonely couple of days in front of my Outlook Inbox...
- 23 November, 2006
MARK V2.0
As mentioned below, Mark has come to visit. Now we have two 'men' in the company, and we're both called Mark. To make things easier, I decided that I should be Mark1, and he should be Mark2. Mark2 was not happy about the subservient nature of that name, so now bills himself as Mark v2.0 (the new improved model). Smartass. Fortunately, he'll go back from whence he came in a week or so.
- 16 November, 2006
SWEET TEETH PART 2
We're four days in to the great healthy eating experiment. Sarah has rebelled and formed a breakaway group and has embarked on some sort of odd liquid diet. This is totally unacceptable in a company that encourages women to feel good about themselves, and I regard her dieting efforts as a marketing failure. I'm not sure yet what to do about it, but since positive reinforcement doesn't seem to work, we're shortly going to start the traditional sabotage route as a form of revenge.
Meanwhile, the rest of us are eating a lot of fruit, which is a particularly brave thing to do in an office with only one bathroom.
We also have a new complication, in that our London based colleague has arrived in town, Mark, who exists on a diet of chocolate, chips and bacon fat, has taken one look at the fruit basket and run screaming from the building...in the direction of the confectionery place.
Anyway, once things settle back down, we'll get back to work.
- 15 November, 2006
SWEET TEETH
Just down the road from the office is Sydney's largest confectionery wholesaler. At first, we visited about once a month. Then one month we needed a refill, so that meant two visits in a month. Then the following week we'd run out. Then three days later we were running low. As it stands, most days you'll now see someone from our office scurrying down there for a furtive 'fix', before coming back to the office with a slightly 'wired' guilty look about them.
Clearly, we needed to take action. So we've adopted some diversionary tactics, by investing in a weekly fruit basket. It costs us around $50.00, but we figure that it is a wise investment in the future wellbeing of our colleagues.
Long story short, the fruit goes really well with the chocolate.
- 14 November, 2006
MORE ON PUBLICISTS
I don't really have anything to add, but I really liked the play on words in the headline...
- 09 November, 2006
FINALLY, AN UPDATE...ON PUBLICISTS
It's all been a little bit busy around here, so my rants have had to go on the backburner...BUT..nothing fires up a rant better than a phone company proving that the delights of modern telephony are irrelevant if they CAN"T EVEN CONNECT THE LINE PROPERLY! However, as I've said before, I'm a professional, and will not stoop to using these pages as a forum for my personal feelings on LARGE FACELESS CORPORATIONS THAT DON'T CARE ABOUT SMALL BUSINESS.
Instead, I'd like to talk about publicists...
We have employed publicists - Tailor Maid Communications. I'm sure they're very nice, but, just between us girls, I haven't understood a single word they've said since we signed the contract. 'Babe', 'cu' 'xx' and 'Gorgeous' appear to form the basis of whatever language it is they're speaking - I have no idea if they are Adjectives or Verbs, although I have seen them used as Proper Nouns...
- 09 November, 2006
A TEASE ...
We have a terrific new product - I've mentioned it in passing before, but can now show you a little more...
We often get asked for a product that holds your breasts UP as well as IN. Check this out.
- 01 March, 2006
MUSINGS ON A FRIDAY AFTERNOON...
It's quiet in here this afternoon - just Jo and me. And my music. I have, according to those that know, terrible musical taste. Like all great garbage dumps, my iTunes library is filled with items that should never have been given a public airing (including three, yes three, versions of "Angel"), but also has a few gems - Memphis Soul Stew (King Curtis and the Kingpins), A Boy Named Sue (Johnny Cash), and Soul Bossa Nova (Quincy Jones and his Orchestra). Understandably, I spend a lot of time with the headphones on (particularly on my Bluegrass days).
But I digress - the news of the day is that people have finally started responding to this column. I didn't realize how well sex sells - as soon as I put the word 'Nude' in a headline, I received several emails and phone calls. Sure, most of them were from weirdos, but I'm just grateful for the conversation...
In news on the publicity front, our products were part of the Goody Bag given to the celebs at the Brit Awards last week in London. Check out their website to see the company we're keeping.
Have a nice weekend everybody - I hope it is sunny and warm wherever you choose to spend it.
- 24 February, 2006
I'M NEARLY NUDE...HOW ABOUT YOU...?
Lucy is originally from Tasmania. (For all you non-Australians, Tasmania is an accidental island off the Southern Coast of Australia, notable for its beauty, charm and inability to stay up past 7pm.) Lucy moved to Sydney several years ago, got a fancy corporate job, married her high school sweetheart and made her parents very proud. There was only one small blight on the otherwise perfect landscape - Lucy could not find underwear that was as invisible and supportive as her husband... So, she made her own. You can see the results at www.nearlynude.com.au. According to several girls in the office, the aforesaid Nearly Nude underwear is the "most comfortable we have ever worn". And, let me tell you, this is a crowd that is difficult to please.
My favourite is the "Anti-Wedgie" - ultimate control briefs with an panel-type-thing in the back that stops them riding up. Of course, "ultimate control briefs" is not a good name - it conjures up Granny-panties images to me - but perhaps that's an issue for me and my therapist rather than this forum. Anybody got a better idea? No-one here likes "The Anti-Wedgie" as a name, so I'm back to the drawing board, and completely bereft of ideas.
Lucy has also done a nifty chart to show you which pieces go with which tops.
Now, stop browsing websites and get back to work!
- 17 February, 2006
WELLNESS AND WEBSITES›
It's taken a couple of months, but we've finally sifted through the myriad of responses to my request for new product ideas. This is a great relief to Australia Post, who got sick of delivering the sacks of mail, and Telstra, who barely coped with the bandwidth required for the floods of emails.
Stand by for a very cool new product...I'm not allowed to spill the beans, but let me say this - Hollywood Fashion Tape keeps your breasts IN, not UP. We now have the product to keep them up...
Speaking of keeping up with people, I haven't yet introduced you to Sarah, who has co-ordinated the launch of the new website. Sarah looks like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth. She has a lovely sweet nature, and is always polite, helpful and thorough. Needless to say, we're terrified of her. Every so often, when you've done something to displease her, and when no-one else is looking, she gives you the death stare - even Anne, who's dealt with the highest levels of corporate politics, is afraid.
So, if we're all wiped out in an 'accident' one day, don't forget that the sweet innocent sole survivor may know more than she's telling...
By the way, do you like the new website? We've gone live this morning ahead of an appearance today on the tele...
- 13 December, 2005
NIPPITS UPDATE...
I wanted to say thanks so much to all of you who responded to my heartfelt plea for assistance on Nippits wording, but it seems there's no need...I already personally spoke to the one person who bothered to put pen to paper.
Apparently, the internet is a great medium because it is interactive, and allows you to have dialogue with your audience, rather than just lecturing to a brick wall. Frankly, I get a better response from my 6 year old while playing his Gameboy. But, as you know, I'm not one to complain...
Some product news - the Breast Friends are finally in store! For those who don't know them, they are the 'Chicken Fillets' that you hear about - silicone bra inserts that give you cleavage when nature has deemed you unworthy of it. Sportsgirl have got 'em, and they are going into some lingerie boutiques almost as we speak (or as I speak anyway...but don't get me started on that again...).
And finally, we're in product invention mode at the moment - are there any products you can think of that we should be either importing or developing ourselves?
- 12 October, 2005
QUOTE OF THE DAY ...
"It will be years - not in my time - before a woman will become Prime Minister." Margaret Thatcher, 1974
- 27 September, 2005
THE AIRING OF DIRTY LINEN...
As you are aware, I'm not one to complain. It would be beneath me to write snippy biographies of my co-workers and post them on the internet, and to wander around the office rejecting the grapes that are not peeled before being served to me (which leads me onto an interesting thread about grapes and body cavities)...
So, for me to complain about something must mean that things are pretty bad. And they are. And it's all because of Nippits. Let me explain... We are having some trouble with the wording for Nippits that will appear on the new website. Anne (who features three posts down) thinks that "Don't you hate it when your dramatic entrance at that big occasion is trumped by the two little thermometers attached to your breasts?" is 'common', and sounds like it was written by a man. (Which it was not.).
I have come up with alternatives, including "Don't you hate it when your dramatic entrance at that big occasion is trumped by your breasts pointing out how cold it is outside?", but she's not happy with that either. Frankly, I don't think she'll be happy no matter what I come up with, as she has still not forgiven me for changing the password to the website content management system. So, we're throwing it open...can anybody improve on either of these?
The winning entry gets no credit, no intellectual property rights, and very little thanks. But we will send you a box of Nippits.
- 27 September, 2005
HUMPH ...
I've been informed that this Blog is not supposed to be used to spitefully write up my colleagues, just because they do something that annoys me. Apparently, that sort of behaviour is childish and inappropriate in a corporate environment. So, in the interests of corporate respectability:
We have some new products. They're really good. You'll like them.
- 06 September, 2005
MY WIFE ...
Apparently it will come as some surprise to most of you to discover that I have a wife (of the female variety), and even a couple of kids...although devoted readers of this column have already met Michael...
Anyway, Shelly also works here, and also likes to audit my receipts, so you can imagine just how perfect my life is. Shelly was born and bred in Minnesota, which you may remember as the setting for both 'Grumpy Old Men' and 'Fargo'.
Quick story - Shelly had only recently emigrated to Australia when Fargo was released, so she invited all her new Australian friends to come with us to see the movie and "see what life in the Upper Midwest is really like". By the time the scene with the two Hookers started, Shelly had almost slid under her seat in embarrassment and fury. As it then turned out, the two Hookers in Fargo claim to have attended the same high school as Shelly. Which brings me to an important point - if you ever meet Shelly, it's best not to mention Fargo, or either of the Coen Brothers within her earshot, or else you too could get an upside down view of a woodchipper...
If this turns out to be the last entry in this Blog, you now know why...
- 30 August, 2005
AND THE LATEST ROUND OF 'MEET THE GANG' PRESENTS ...
Anne. Anne makes sure I hand in all my receipts. You can imagine how much fun that is. On the positive side, Anne gives us some desparately needed credibility, as she is able to play corporate with the best of them...and so she should...she joined us after a long and illustrious career at a large Australian company.
By coincidence, it turns out that Anne gave me my first job, back in 1996, as a Christmas casual at Grace Brothers in Sydney. I don't remember her, she doesn't remember me, but apparently the fact that I was assigned to menswear meant I impressed her in the interview. Doesn't say much for her interviewing skills. I'll continue this another time, but right now I have to go find a petrol receipt from March of last year...apparently she doesn't believe I spent $89.72 on petrol alone...
- 30 August, 2005
NOTE TO STEPH ...
For those of you who haven't met us all, Steph is a friend of ours who has moved from Sydney to New York. We are always very nice to Steph because one day soon she is going to be a movie star. If she doesn't make it as a movie star, we're going to be very cranky, since we've spent a lot of time and effort being unnecessarily nice to her.
I was talking to her earlier today, and she was complaining that she can't post rude replies on this Blog, so we're going to have to revamp this page to make that possible. In the meantime, I've put an email link at the top of the page, direct to me. I promise to post all funny emails, except where banned by law or good taste.
- 11 August, 2005
